This is a picture of us, 8 years ago. We had been married for a little over 3 years and we decided it was time to start growing our family. Our dream was to have two children, two years apart. We assumed having children would be easy. It seemed like people got pregnant all of the time and popped out healthy babies. Looking back now, we were young and naïve. We had no idea the journey we were about to embark on. A journey that still wouldn't be finished, 8 years later...
I had never had any female issues that made me think I wouldn't be able to get pregnant. So after 6 months of negative pregnancy tests, I decided to go see my doctor. They referred me to a Fertility Specialist to have things checked out and I left the office in tears. Fertility Specialist? Me? I just never saw that coming. So, I made the appointment and went to an amazing doctor who did a full workup on me. He didn't have any answers for me as to why I wasn't getting pregnant. He did suggest we try Clomid, a fertility drug, to help me in the process. I did 5 rounds of Clomid. Wow, that was quite the experience! It made me feel like I was going through Menopause. I've never had hot flashes like that in my entire life! The first four rounds were unsuccessful, but after the 5th round, I got my first positive pregnancy test. I immediately went to the Fertility Specialist for bloodwork to monitor my hormone levels. We were very excited! Unfortunately, at 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, I began showing signs of a miscarriage. I lost the baby on a weekend getaway to the lake house. I remember it being very painful and I remembering sobbing the entire time it happened. I was pretty devastated.
A few weeks later, I was feeling much better. We had a bunch of friends over to our house for our Annual Crawfish Boil. A friend of mine who had struggled with fertility suggested I try Acupuncture. She recommended a lady in town that helped her conceive her children. I never thought I'd be open to something like that, but for some reason, I decided to be brave and give it a shot. Why not?
Hunter was very supportive and said to go try it out. I made my first appointment and I was very nervous. I didn't really know what to expect. She took me to a room that looked much like a doctor's office room. She had me lie on my back on a medical bed. She told me that she would insert tiny needles into various pressure points on my body. I was concerned they might hurt, but they really didn't. A few places she put them were more uncomfortable than others, but after the initial sting, I didn't notice any pain. I had needles in my forehead, ears, arms, hands, fingers, knees, ankles, toes, and a lot on my stomach. Acupuncture is meant to improve blood flow throughout the body...and in terms of pregnancy, it helps to balance hormone levels. When your hormone levels are balanced, it's easier for the body to get pregnant. She also took a little wooden box and put burning incense inside of it. She then put the box on my stomach. The heat draws the blood toward the uterus. She turned off the lights and left me on the bed listening to soft, Chinese music. I laid there about 30 minutes or so until she came back. She always would put a small bell in my right hand to ring for her if I ever needed anything. The needles aren't supposed to hurt, so if they do hurt, you just call her in and she'll adjust them or remove them. During that time, you can't move. I tried to scratch my face one time and it hurt! I learned my lesson...just don't move!
I would spend that time in prayer or just thinking to myself. Sometimes I'd fall asleep after a long day of teaching. She recommended I go twice a week in the beginning. I began to look forward to the quiet time...no distractions...just me and my thoughts. Sometimes, I'd be so ready for her to come back in and remove the needles and other times, the time passed by very quickly. By the end of the session, I felt like my body was numb and I just wanted to stand up and stretch. Somedays, she'd do the needles on the front of my body and then after that was over, she'd have me flip to my stomach and she'd do some in my lower back to help my kidneys. Apparently, the Chinese believe that kidneys and fertility are linked. The kidneys can help improve the quality of the egg. I continued doing acupuncture for several months. I also took some Chinese Herbs she suggested called "Dong Quai." I had to take 5 or 6 pills, three times a day. They were supposed to help with balancing hormones, too. I started doing acupuncture twice a week and then decided to slow down to once a week. It can be very expensive...approximately $80-$90 per session. I finally decided to take a break for a few months to give my body a rest. My friend suggested I try to go twice a month, one right before ovulation and one right after ovulation. So, in November of 2011, I did that very thing and that was the month that I got pregnant with Weston, my first son.
My first pregnancy was amazing! I didn't experience much morning sickness. I enjoyed every stage of pregnancy because I was just SO happy to be pregnant...and STAY pregnant. We found out Weston was a boy at our big ultrasound and did a gender reveal party around 20 weeks. We were on cloud 9. My water broke at 39 weeks pregnant at midnight. I wasn't having contractions when I got to the hospital so they admitted me and waited until morning to start Pitocin. I labored most of the day (with an epidural...YES!) and gave birth to Weston at 5:04 pm. It was everything I hoped it would be and more.
Life was great as a family of three! We enjoyed Weston SO much. He was all boy. He met all of his milestones like a champ. He was a very early walker and climber and was fearless. I'd walk into the room finding him standing on the coffee table. He kept us on our toes. When Weston was a little over 1, we decided it was time to start trying for baby number 2. Remember, we wanted 2 kids, 2 years apart. Unbeknownst to us...things wouldn't go as easy as planned.
A few months before Weston's 2nd birthday, I found out I was pregnant. We were SO excited because it didn't require fertility drugs or acupuncture to help. Around 8-9 weeks, I was beginning to sport a little pooch and we went to our very first ultrasound. The unthinkable happened...the baby did not have a heartbeat. It hurt SO bad to see our little jellybean, but to see nothing beating in his/her chest. It never feels good to leave your OB's office in tears. I had to schedule a D&C to have this baby removed from my body. I was heartbroken and scared. I went to the outpatient surgery center the morning after Weston's 2nd birthday party for my procedure. I had tears in my eyes as my husband said goodbye to me and they rolled me off to surgery. My OB held my hand and told me that everything would be just fine. And it was...
As soon as we were cleared to start trying again, we did. It didn't take long for me to get pregnant again. A positive pregnancy test can be very exciting...except when you've been through what we've been through. With it comes worry... This pregnancy made it until 7 1/2 weeks. I started having some complications at home, so I scheduled a doctor's appointment ASAP. My doctor did an ultrasound and we found that I had a Blighted Ovum. Basically, my body thought it was pregnant so the sac was growing, but there was nothing in the sac. It didn't fertilize properly. So technically, there never was a baby. But, I still had to pass it at home like a miscarriage, which didn't make it any less painful.
So here we were, 4 pregnancies later and only 1 baby. We were pretty sad and frustrated, but we knew how lucky we were to have Weston. If he was the only child we were meant to have, then we were fine! He was wonderful. When I would get sad about things, I'd just go love on my beautiful baby boy and I'd begin to feel better. However, we still felt like we were meant to have another child.
We decided to shift focus and begin to look for a new house. If we did have another baby, we'd be really crowded in the house we were currently living in...so why not start looking? After several months, we found a new house and the day we put our house on the market, it sold. It was meant to be! We moved into our new house and had all of this space, hoping our family would continue to grow.
6 weeks after we moved into our house, we found out we were pregnant again. I was a nervous wreck. And all I could do to get through every day was to pray. At 7 weeks, I started having some signs that things might not be going well and I immediately called my mom, sobbing. I told her, "Mom, I think I'm going to lose this one, too." She said, "No you're not, get down on your knees, let's pray!" She started praying over the phone that God would allow me to have another child and that this baby would make it. I went into my first appointment prepared for bad news. Hunter and I began to expect the pregnancies to end in miscarriage. But you know what...there was a heartbeat! And every appointment after that, there was a heartbeat. We had made it past the first trimester and things started to feel better. We decided to share our news and were so excited. We had another gender reveal party and found out we were having another little boy! My pregnancy was great! I didn't have any problems. At 37 weeks pregnant, I woke up in the night with painful contractions and knew it was time to go to the hospital. My in-laws came to stay with Weston and we were admitted at 4 am. I got an epidural (because that's how I roll) and I progressed very quickly. I only pushed a few times and Colton arrived at 8am. Such a smooth and easy delivery...I couldn't believe it happened in only 4 hours. We thought everything was ok. We had made it full term. But then my Mommy Intuition knew that something was wrong. The nurse checking Colton out was taking too long. Why haven't they brought me my baby yet? I said something to my doctor and she said she'd go check on things as soon as she was finished with me. She walked over to the nurse and they talked for a minute or two. Then, she came to my bedside and told me that he was showing 4 markers for Down Syndrome. Talk about a gut punch...a knife to the heart. How could this be? How did we make it 37 weeks and nobody picked up on this? Is she joking? Surely, I'm dreaming!
The joy was completely sucked from the room and I experienced the lowest moment of my life. I finally had a pregnancy that made it to full term...and then this? Are you kidding me, God? Why me? Why us? 3 miscarriages wasn't enough? We don't deserve this.
If you've read my blog in the past, I did a post on Colton's Birth Story. Our sweet baby boy was diagnosed with Down Syndrome at birth. On the day he was born, our world shattered. Life would never be the same. However, we were able to pick up the pieces and slowly put them back together. And today, we love that boy fiercely and are so thankful for him. He is such a blessing and he brings us so much joy. We are better people because we have a child with Down Syndrome.
Raising a child with Down Syndrome is challenging. There are so many learning curves. Lots of doctor's visits. Evaluations. Therapy Sessions. Applying for TEFRA (Medicaid). Our first year was very stressful and we were doing our best to figure things out and get Colton where he needed to be. Life was busy...but we were learning to accept this new life.
When Colton was 8 months old, I found out I was pregnant. This was NOT planned. I was terrified. I had a full plate and didn't think I could handle one more thing. But at 7 weeks, I hemorrhaged and my husband rushed me to the ER. I had to have an emergency D&C and I lost so much blood that I had to have a blood transfusion. I got 2 bags of blood over my hospital stay. I'm so thankful for an amazing doctor who took care of me, the same doctor who did my last D&C...who delivered both of my babies...and who told me that Colton had Down Syndrome. I've asked her before if I give her PTSD when she sees me because of all I've put her through, but she just smiles at me and laughs. She's the best!
I finally recovered from that procedure and life carried on. Colton was doing really well, but our schedule was getting pretty hectic. We were trying to squeeze in 7 hours of therapy a week (OT, PT, Speech) working around nap times, lunch times, pickup and drop off times for Weston...and he eventually was having to go for 3 hours straight of therapy in one day. Talk about hard on a 1 year old. Poor baby! We decided it was time to send Colton to school full time. In August 2017, Colton joined the Toddler class at his school. He would have to go 8-3 Monday thru Friday because of Medicaid policies. It broke my heart to give my baby away full time since I wasn't working, but I knew it was best for Colton. He needed to get his therapy and I needed a break. I was overwhelmed at home trying to give him all of the help he needed. I was trying to be an OT, PT, and Speech Therapist and I just couldn't handle the pressure. So...I sent him to school so that he could get what he needed during the day and when he came home, I could just be mom. He went to school like a champ, which made it easier on me. It was one of the best decisions we've made. He's doing so well!
So there we were, 2 kids, 3.5 years apart. Not exactly how we had planned it, but we were thankful for our two beautiful boys. I was ready to throw in the towel on having anymore children. That is until my "2 kids and done" husband decided we should have a third. What? Absolutely not. Not after what we've been through. 6 pregnancies is enough for this Mama. But he made some valid points about having another typical child for Weston and Colton. I wasn't so sure I was up for the challenge so I decided to give it to God. I told God that I couldn't handle anymore miscarriages or anymore children with Special Needs. I told him that if that was going to happen again, then please don't let me get pregnant. Just let me enjoy my two boys and move on. But if it was His will for us to have another baby, please let me get pregnant quickly (as I am approaching 35 and my chances of having a child with Special Needs increases even more). So I decided I wasn't going to decide and we'd just see what happens. 2 months later, we got a positive pregnancy test. We were shocked!
So here I am, pregnant for the 7th time. I am currently 34 weeks pregnant. This pregnancy hasn't gone as smooth as I would have liked for it to go, but I'm still pregnant and this baby was meant to be. Baby Boy Asher is due July 29th and I'm currently on bed rest because he decided to try to come at 31 weeks 4 days. I also have antibodies in my blood from my blood transfusion which has caused some worry, but so far my numbers have been staying low, so we should be just fine. We are hoping to make it to July 1st, which puts me at 36 weeks. He can come anytime after that. We can't wait for Asher to join our family and to end this chapter of our lives. We pray that Asher's birth will be positive and end with our little family of 5 sitting on a hospital bed, grinning from ear to ear. We hope he will be the cherry on top of our family sundae.
Growing our family hasn't been easy. 8 years, 7 pregnancies, 4 miscarriages, 2 D & C's, countless hours of acupuncture, and 1 Down Syndrome diagnosis. But I would do it all over again just to have my 3 little boys. They make everything I've been through worth it!
In 8 years, never once have we let this journey hurt our marriage. Instead of driving us apart, it only brought us closer together. My husband has been with me every step of the way. We are a team and we are the only two people who know exactly what the past 8 years have been like. We are stronger because of our struggles. We overcame many obstacles and never gave up. I share our story in hopes that somebody out there will feel encouraged. Life doesn't go as planned. Unexpected things happen every single day. But if you have a dream, go for it, no matter how many times you get knocked down. You never know how strong you are until you've hit rock bottom and strong is the only option.
We are done having children. I know some Mamas are sad when it's time to end that chapter of life and move on, but not me. I'm ready. I'm tired. I'm excited to enjoy my three boys and to watch them grow instead of my belly grow. Thank you, God, for these three beautiful gifts. Weston, Colton, and Asher wouldn't be here without all of the trials these last 8 years.
I'll end with a few lyrics that got me through my tough times...
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held.
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, Just be held.
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you'll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, Just be held
